For Granny, but…..
I had in the past shared with you emails, which I felt needed to be shared, that I receive from readers/friends. Nishant from Mumbai has been such a friend and reader who always shared with me his struggle of being closeted gay. Following is the reproduction, with his permission of course, of his recent email in which he told me about the latest twist in his life. It tells us why marrying a girl is not the easy option, as many might think, to get out of our closet mess.... it can only lead to an even grater mess. 
Well, First of all I was always there on your blog and never missed a single post. Glad to know that you are alright. I hope all your friends and family members are doing fine.
Now, about me disappearing for so long, there’s a story behind that.
Last few months, or rather, more then seven months ago, I was going through a very challenging or I should say the most painfully depressing moment of my life, my granny was seriously unwell. Our family doctors said that she could not survive more then 48hrs. She is a heart patient. I have a very small family. Me, Mom my Granny and my puppy Labrador Bitch. My Dad had passed away about 3yr back due to kidney failure. It was a very big loss for us, so since we all are attached to each other very much. Getting back to seven months back, my Granny was suffering from heart failure and she was on her lungs only. So doctors said that she could only survive only till her lungs are functioning. But miraculously doctors found out it was not her heart that was not functioning properly, it was her lungs. Lucky within those last 48hrs our family doctor decided to take an x-ray and found out that her left lung was filled with water. Then they removed the water from her lungs and within 3/4hrs my granny was fit as she was before. Now the tension part was that doctors said they have to send the water removed from the lungs to the pathological-lab for testing purpose. Doctors said it could be malaria, flue, or might also is cancer. Everyone was happy that she was fine but when reports arrived we found that she is suffering from last stage cancer. All the happiness was evaporated cause last stage cancer is non curable. Doctors said she could only survive for 2/3 months. We decided not to tell her about cancer. The last stage is very painful.
One day I was just chatting with my granny and she asked me whether she could ever see my bride. And I guess you understood the situation. I was in intense pressure, at one side there was my granny who has always loved me so much and its time for me to do something for her and at the other end "I am gay". I didn't think for a single moment and said mom that I am ready for marriage and she can start looking for a right girl for me. I decided that I'll stop all the web surfing that included the gay bloging or anything that would make me think or remind me I am gay. I didn't wanted to be selfish person who is married to a women and seeking men in the dark. I am sorry for not posting comments, or, at least for not showing my concern in your bad times in the past few months.
So now as my mom was looking for a right girl for me. I always thought I am marrying for my mom and granny so I wanted a girl who is more of a housewife. And in the second week I got engaged with a sweet girl. She was a very simple Gujarati girl who puts a bindi on her forehead. She was very soft spoken and cute. I thought I could get along with her. Being a gay we are always blessed with tenderness in our nature. So I was always very caring and calm when ever I was with her. I wanted her to feel very comfortable; she was from a very low profile family located at the outskirts of Mumbai. And my family is very well known in our community; my Grandfather and my dad were always known for their kindness and had a good name. I am always into high life. Whether I am at restaurants or hanging out with friends or at shopping expensive things. So I never wanted her to feel that I am showing off and have an ego for my wealth. I hate it. I am a very down to earth man. But I always notice bit rudeness in my fiancés behavior. She never saw any care or concerns towards me. I thought it might be because she is new to the family so that's why she must be feeling awkward to show care.
But as time went by, her rudeness was starting to annoy me. I, mom and my fiancé had gone to my native place in kutch for some religious function. The whole journey she never left any chance to bully me to irritate me. Even my mom noticed the same but she kept quite because there were few more relatives with us. Now I was like-- what the fuck man. First of all I am trying so hard to like her and trying so much to make her feel good. There is always an extra effort from me and she was behaving like a bitch. Seriously, she was behaving very badly not just with me but she also insulted my best friend (the one I used to love so much but he is pure straight. But now he is just my best of the Best friend). So that was it. Even my mom didn't like it. My mom also cares about my best friend as he is like her younger brother. We decided to call the relationship with the girl off (there are more reasons for the breakup. I will tell them later). But now my fiancé didn't want to breakup. Now all of a sudden she was totally changed and she was like I am so sorry and all...
I understood, she wanted to marry my wealth and she thought I am a sissy and she can control me easily. She underestimated me. And then you know the "samaj" and bullshit. In our Kutchi Gujarati Samaj we have to place a meeting where we could discuss and announce that the engagement is off. So since then I am stuck with all these tensions.
I feel like a joker you know. Saala zindagi main (In my life) for the first time I was in a meaningful relationship, which was meaningless, and you saw the end. I think I am more then happy for that, you must be wondering what happened to my granny? Well she is a fighter. I can’t say she is fine but she is doing OK. She has lost all her memory and can hardly recognize anyone. It’s her bonus life that she is spending with us. My mom said she is always going to support me in any of my decisions. Let’s hope if I could open up to my mom some day...
Your posts always inspire me to write to you. I could have never shared this space of my life if you would have not started your blog.
P.S. Nishant, I thank you for sharing a part of your life with us.
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